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A Soldiers Résumé

By Surviving America

OBJECTIVE:
Employment so I can keep my family off section 8 housing, food stamps and government assistance.

Employment History
United States Marine Corps / United States Army

Qualified basic soldiering task, snake eaters course, jump school and 238th rangers class 12 Ability to work in a fast paced high stress environment including being shot at by people that want to kill you, and watching friends die from the same. Ability to dive for cover anywhere when somebody calls INCOMING and going from bored to death to fighting for your life in 1millisecond. Qualified M-16-A2, M203, 300 Win Mag. Other qualifications include ability to engage enemy at 300+ meters and a little past 1,000 meters with the Win Mag. Capable of tossing a M67 baseball grenade with great accuracy, place a M18 claymore mine for maximum effectiveness, qualified L.A.W. and AT-4 rocket launcher. Additional qualifications consist of hand to hand combat, qualified on the 1911 .45 acp and the P.O.S. M-9, 9 mm.

Able to live in conditions that you would not allow to dog to walk through, including mud filled fox holes, hot days, cold nights, sleeping on a HUM V hood to stay out of the mud, or under it to avoid being shot. Eating things that would make a goat vomit, MRE’s from a bag not take out from McDonalds, or anything I can commandeer or catch. Wearing the same uniform for weeks at a time ( no laundry mat in a battle field ) Diversity skills include setting landmines and assorted booby trapping and I.E.D.’s searching for and dis arming booby traps of various types, as long as a friend hasn’t already lost his life to it. Ability to go days without sleep, rest or a decent meal and the ability to put up with a Lieutenant and other brass that don’t know crap. Additionally , locals that understand every word you say and play dumb.

Additional duties include:
Keeping my country safe from all enemies foreign and domestic, the ability to stay away from home and loved ones for long periods of time. The ability to give civilians the peace of mind that all terrible things happen overseas, thus allowing them to sleep at night and feel safe in their homes. Well versed in civilian language because they would not understand what soldiers say to one another.
Last but not least:

Well qualified at putting up with civilians that say ” Thank you for your service ” but then DO NOT want to be in the cubicle next to you when you seek public employment.

Sincerely,
Thank you for nothing.